Give in to Love or Live in Fear
by briagabrielle
Summary: Mimi dies at the end of Roger’s song, devestating Roger. Mark grows steadily closer to his best friend, determined to hide his budding feelings. Collins intereferes, resulting in consequences that Mark might not be able to handle. RR!
1. But I'm Gone, 'Cause I Die Without You

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my love for Rent (and Adam Pascal who was Roger in the original cast). It all belongs to Jonathan Larson, whom I wish I had the chance to meet, but I will one day and I will be in my bliss. At the risk of sounding terribly clichéd: No day but today!  
  
*  
  
"Mimi!" Roger cried as Mimi went limp as he finished his song, the one song glory that he had spent time working on.  
  
They all looked at Roger, who had tears streaming down his face. He let go of her hand and took off out of the loft.  
  
"Good Lord. Both Angel and Mimi within six months," Collins' deep baritone voice commented, rather shakily.  
  
Mark nodded. "I know."  
  
Maureen sobbed and Joanne hugged her tight. "It's okay, baby."  
  
Mark sighed. "I'm gonna go find Roger."  
  
"Okay, but Mark?" Collins started.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Collins gently pried the video camera from Mark's fingers. "No filming this one, all right?"  
  
Mark nodded. "Okay."  
  
Mark left the loft and entered the harsh December weather. He tightened his coat around him and looked around the streets. He didn't see Roger anywhere. He began walking down the street, looking for his best friend.  
  
It didn't take a genius to figure it out, Collins knew all along, that's why he didn't want Mark to take the camera. This wasn't a time to videotape people at their worst and despite the fact that Mark loved Roger, he would've taken his camera.  
  
Mark realized that he loved Roger, probably whenever Roger told him that he was falling in love with Mimi, or earlier, perhaps when he told him about the entrancing stranger from downstairs asking him to light her candle, pleading him to take her out that night. That was just a year ago, and it felt like they came so far. They did.  
  
And now Mimi was gone and it was as though they stalled. Frozen, at eleven p.m. He couldn't help it. Now he didn't know what to do, he was just worried about what Roger would do, especially since he lost April earlier and Angel, who was a good friend.  
  
Mark turned up into the park and found Roger sitting there, on a bench, next to his old dealer, and Roger was pulling out a wad of money. Mark waited until The Man, as he liked to be called, stood up and walked away before he walked over to Roger, who was already rolling a joint.  
  
Roger looked up. "Not trying to get this for your precious film?"  
  
"No, this isn't like everything else. Are you okay?"  
  
Roger laughed as he inhaled deeply, lips to his joint. "Do I look okay, Mark? I mean, honestly! When was the last time I had a fucking joint?"  
  
Mark hesitated, in an attempt to remember. "When April died."  
  
Roger nodded. "Uh-huh, but, damn, it feels so good right now, I wonder why the hell I ever stopped."  
  
"Roger, you don't want to be doing this."  
  
"Don't tell me what I want to do, Mark. You don't get it."  
  
"Well, maybe I would, if you explained it to me!"  
  
"It's all my fault, Mark!"  
  
"What is?"  
  
"Mimi's death!"  
  
Aha. The key, he thought that he was responsible for Mimi's premature death. Mark sighed. "No it's not, Roger."  
  
"Yes, it is. I mean, would she have died if I had left for Santa Fe? If I had had more faith in her, trusted her, would she have died, Mark?"  
  
"She had AIDS, Roger!"  
  
"Yeah, so do I! Does that mean I'm supposed to die now?"  
  
"Roger . . ."  
  
"No, Mark. I have AIDS, Angel had AIDS, Mimi had AIDS, we're all going to die too early, why don't I just speed up the process?"  
  
"Roger, don't do it!"  
  
Roger pulled a razor out of his pocket. Déjà vu. Exactly how April died nineteen months ago. "Why not, Mark? I have nothing left to live for."  
  
"Yes you do, there's me, there's Collins, Maureen, and Joanne."  
  
"You guys don't care."  
  
Mark snatched the razor out of Roger's fingertips. "If we didn't care, would I be out here on Christmas Eve after you?"  
  
"Mark . . ."  
  
"Answer me, Roger! Would I?"  
  
Roger sighed and slumped back. "You're right."  
  
Mark nodded. "Yes, I am. C'mon, let's get back to the loft. Everyone's worried sick."  
  
"What was it about that night?" Roger asked, referring to last Christmas Eve.  
  
"That connected us all together?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Mark began patting Roger's back. "I don't know, but if I ever find out, I'll be sure that you're the first to know."  
  
Roger moved a little closer to Mark, causing Mark to put his arm around him. Not something Mark hated, to say the least. Roger was still smoking his joint. They could work on breaking him of that habit again later, as long as he's no longer suicidal, for the moment.  
  
They would just have to take everything one day at a time. Mark was just happy to be there for Roger today.  
  
*  
  
A/N: Hmm. I like this. I think it has potential. BUT, it doesn't matter what I think, it matters what YOU, the reader, thinks. Should I continue? (I probably will.) Or should it be a short story? (It probably won't be.) Let me know what you think! R/R! –wanders off singing to the 2 disc CD of Rent- 


	2. Just Let Me Be

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my love for Rent (and Adam Pascal who was Roger in the original cast). It all belongs to Jonathan Larson, whom I wish I had the chance to meet, but I will one day and I will be in my bliss. At the risk of sounding terribly clichéd: No day but today!  
  
*  
  
Mark and Roger entered the loft where Collins, Maureen, and Joanne were still sitting around the table that Mimi was lying on. Benny had joined them and wiped his eyes quickly when he saw Mark and Roger. "Hey guys."  
  
Mark nodded. "Hey Benny."  
  
Roger was staring at Mimi's lifeless body. "Benny."  
  
Joanne took a deep breath and narrowed her eyes before grabbing Roger's shirttails and pulling him closer. "Hey Roger?"  
  
"Yes Joanne?"  
  
"Roger, did you start smoking pot again?" Collins asked breathing Roger in.  
  
Roger shrugged and pulled the baggie full of weed from his pocket.  
  
Benny shook his head. "You can't just start smoking again, Roger. Mimi wouldn't want you to start again because of her."  
  
Roger rolled his eyes. "Why are you even here, Benny?"  
  
"We called him," Collins started.  
  
"He was the only person who could pay for everything we would need for Mimi," Maureen finished.  
  
Roger slumped onto the floor, defeated, pulled his legs to his chest, and rested his head on his knees. Collins walked over to him and snatched the bag of weed from his fingertips. Roger's head shot up. "What do you think you're doing, Collins?"  
  
Collins sat next to him. "You haven't smoked pot for a year and a half. Don't start now."  
  
Mark walked over to them, took the baggie from Collins, and tossed it back to Roger. "Let him have it. It's not a bigger drug, like crystal meth, and there are no new needle marks on his arms. It's okay for now."  
  
Roger clung to the marijuana and smiled gratefully. "Thank you, Mark."  
  
"Mark, why would you give it back to him?" Maureen asked.  
  
Mark looked at Roger. "Should I tell them what you were about to do?"  
  
Roger studied the ground and Collins looked between Mark and Roger. "Tell us what, Mark?"  
  
"Should I, Roger?" Mark asked Roger again, ignoring Collins.  
  
Roger shrugged and stood. He walked to Mimi's lifeless body, kissed her cold forehead, then her lips, and murmured the last few lines to his song, adding a bit. "I should tell you, I should tell you, I have always loved you. You can see it in my eyes. You will always be able to see it in my eyes, Mimi." He kissed her forehead one last time and began walking to the door. "Tell them if you want to, Mark. I'm sure as hell not going to be here when you do, though."  
  
He opened the door and slammed it shut. Collins stood up and mere inches away from Mark. "Mark, what did Roger try to do?"  
  
Mark pulled the razor blade out of his pocket and tossed it on the empty chair that was next to them. "Think about April and do the math."  
  
Collins' eyes got wide and he shot out of the door, after Roger. "Roger!"  
  
Roger stopped and turned. He was on his way to Mimi's. "What do you want, Collins?"  
  
Collins slammed the door shut and caught up with Roger. "Why would you think about doing something so stupid?"  
  
Roger sighed. "Don't try to act all innocent."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
Roger almost laughed at the absurdity of it all. "Like you didn't try something similar when Angel died. Let's look at YOUR wrists, Collins."  
  
"I only did it twice, Roger, and not with the intent to kill myself."  
  
"I guess that's what makes us so different, eh Collins?"  
  
"Come on, Roger. Mimi wouldn't want you to do this."  
  
"Maybe, but we'll never find out, now will we?"  
  
Collins was silent as Roger whirled around and continued on his way to Mimi's.  
  
*  
  
A/N: I wrote another chapter!! YaY! I hope you like this one. R/R please to prove that I should keep adding. It's hard for me to update, so bear with me. Kay? Danke! 


	3. You're Not Alone

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my love for Rent (and Adam Pascal who was Roger in the original cast). It all belongs to Jonathan Larson, whom I wish I had the chance to meet, but I will one day and I will be in my bliss. At the risk of sounding terribly clichéd: No day but today!  
  
*  
  
Mark awoke a few days later to the sound of someone whimpering. He arose and roamed around the loft looking for the source.  
  
"Roger?" he called, softly.  
  
The whimpering continued and Mark followed it into the bathroom. Mark leaned against the doorframe and gently knocked on the closed door. "Roger? Are you in there?"  
  
Roger didn't reply, but sniffed loudly instead. Mark sighed and pushed open the door. His eyes widened before he rushed across the tiny bathroom to his best friend's side.  
  
There was Roger, sitting in the tub, a razor blade in his right hand, blooding gushing from his left wrist. There were drops of blood all in the tub and on his flannel pajama bottoms.  
  
Mark grabbed a towel. "Good God, Roger."  
  
Roger rested his head on Mark's shoulder and whimpered yet again. "I'm so sorry, Mark."  
  
Mark shushed him. "It's okay! It's only once."  
  
Roger broke down and began sobbing. Mark lifted the bloody towel and he sighed softly as he saw the letters M-I-M-I on his arm, beginning to turn red with a new blood flow.  
  
Roger's chest heaved with every other breath as he sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Mark, and it's not okay. I should know better by now, but, God, Mark it felt so good. It never lost its adrenaline rush."  
  
Mark began to gently stroke Roger's hair in a maternal manner. Mark had come to the conclusion that whenever Roger lost a loved one, you had to treat him like a little boy. He was looking for that extra protection from someone who really cared. And Mark really cared, in more ways than one.  
  
"And you're an adrenaline junkie, I know, Roger, I've heard it all before. We made it through that time, we can make it through this time, too."  
  
"It's not going to be as simple, Mark."  
  
"It wasn't simple before!"  
  
"I know, but," Roger sighed, deeply. "I miss her so much and I feel so alone."  
  
"April or Mimi?"  
  
"Both. I should have listened Mimi. You really can't control your destiny."  
  
"I've been telling you this for years, Roger, even more so when April let us know that you both had AIDS and it took a beautiful stranger, with a love for life needing you to light her candle and to take her out to tell you this, and you start believing it?"  
  
Roger nodded. "Yeah, pretty much."  
  
Mark, in response, just stared at Roger, who stared back. After a moment, Roger began giggling and it was apparent: Roger had said that for comic relief. Since when did Roger Davis get a sense of humor when times were so grave? Mark couldn't recall, so instead of straining himself to remember, he just laughed with his best friend.  
  
Once they had caught their breath, Roger looked at the ceiling while Mark fixed his self-inflicted wound.  
  
"What are you thinking about?" Mark asked.  
  
"How long I'll stay in the house this time." Roger smiled.  
  
Mark smiled in return. "How about just a month this time?"  
  
Roger chuckled. "We'll talk about that, but I really loved Mimi, possibly more than I did April. This one is going to be harder."  
  
"But why are you joking and laughing, then?"  
  
"Because I know if the roles were reversed, Mimi would try to get her mind off of it by joking."  
  
"I don't think she would stay in the house, though. She'd continue on with her credo."  
  
Roger sighed. "That's what made us so different, Mark. We complemented each other well. And now that she's gone, it feels like no one cares. I feel empty and alone."  
  
Mark sighed. This was so difficult; to flatter him, convince him about what Mimi would want, listen to him repeat how much he loved her and April. Like he would never love Mark, and Mark knew it, which is why, right about now he felt like breaking down and crying and shouting, "God Roger! Are you stupid? I LOVE YOU! It's so obvious! I am in love with you! I always have been."  
  
But instead, he placed his friend's arm between them as he finished and said, "You're not alone, Roger."  
  
Roger lightly brushed his fingertips across Mimi's name and smiled faintly and gratefully. "I know, Mark."  
  
*  
  
A/N: Three words for you: Writer's . . .Block . . .HELP! Yup I have no idea what to make chapter four about so e-mail me with your ideas. I hope you liked these chapters. Check out my other stuff, perhaps you'll find an interest in that too. But I need reviews to determine whether or not I continue. I'm particularly fond of this chapter. I think it's cute. Give me your opinion! XoX! ~ Bri! 


	4. The Heart May Freeze Or It Can Burn

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything except my love for Rent (and Adam Pascal who was Roger in the original cast). It all belongs to Jonathan Larson, whom I wish I had the chance to meet, but I will one day and I will be in my bliss. At the risk of sounding terribly clichéd: No day but today!

* * *

"Woo-hoo! Marky-boy!" someone shouted, awakening Mark the following week.

Mark rolled over, extending his middle finger for whoever disrupted his slumber. He felt something suddenly and roughly come into contact with his stomach, causing Mark to jerk awake with a start and sit up quickly. "What!? What the hell do you want?"

"Oh, okay! So, you _don't_ want the breakfast that I so graciously provided?" Mark knew that deep baritone voice. He squinted and made out Collins, grinning and holding a bulging McDonald's bag. Collins continued, "Well, fine! Roger and I will just enjoy your pancakes."

Mark felt around for his glasses, located them, and put them on. The blurred images of Collins and Roger came into view. Mark smiled fondly. Roger reminded him of a kid.

Roger was sitting with his back to the wall and his legs extended in front of him. He was hunched over the styrofoam tray that was on his lap that held three pancakes, two sausage links, and five hasbrowns on it, and he was scarfing it all down as though he hadn't had real food for days. In all honesty, they hadn't.

Next to Roger, there was a tall cup of steaming hot coffee, still black to prove that he hadn't gotten thirsty yet.

Collins tossed the McDonald's bag to Mark, a knowing smile on his face.

Mark stuck out his tongue before biting into a hashbrown.

Roger burped loudly, his own eyes widening at the force behind it. "Damn, excuse me!"

Mark snickered and Collins stared at Roger in disbelief. "How did you...no, you know what? I don't even wanna know..."

"So, Collins, why did you bring us breakfast? Mark asked, eating another hashbrown.

"Because I'm a loving and caring friend, of course!"

Roger started coughing, one of them sounding suspiciously like _'bullshit'_. Collins threw a slice of bacon at Roger. "But no, I had extra money and figured you two needed the meal."

"Aw, that's cool," Roger said, sincerely.

"And to remind you that Mimi's service is tomorrow..." Collins added quietly.

Roger looked at teh ground and Mark froze. Roger sighed. "Thanks Collins."

"Are you going to be okay, Roger?" Collins asked.

Mark bit his lip, a nervous habit that he recently accquired, because when asked the simplest questions, Roger had the habit of either breaking down or exploding...or both.

However, this time, he did neither. He did start to cry, but silently, as tears glided down his handsome face. When he spoke, his voice was slightly hoarse. "I just lost the one person that I could see myself marrying, I'm never going to really be okay and I'm better, but I'm definitely not as sane as you are. At least, not yet. I'm not sure I ever will be."

Collins nodded. "Mark, can I talk to you?"

Mark stood and Collins led him into the bathroom. Mark had barely shut the door when Collins verbally attacked him in a low whisper. "You have to tell him, Mark!"

"Why!?"

"Because, he's hurting!"

"Exactly!" Mark said, a little too loudly. He lowered his voice as he continued, "Exactly. God, Collins! I don't want to tell him I love him and then we have one hell of a passionate night because he's lonely and then we wake up the next morning, he realizes that it was a huge mistake, and one of us has to move out because it's too awkward."

"That wouldn't happen, though..." Collins started.

"Yeah? And how do you know?"

"Because, no matter how lonely you are, if you aren't gay or aren't straight, it won't go beyond an unrequited kiss because it won't...feel right, at least not to him."

"Like you would know..."

"Yeah, actually. I would."

"How?"

"When Angel died, about two days later, Joanne and I went to dinner. She and Maureen were on the outs again and I was depressed and she kissed me. For a split second, it was really nice, then it dawned on me that she was a girl and I thought it was revolting, not because she was unattractive, but because she was a girl and I don't like the opposite sex. Now, if Roger doesn't stop what happens between you, then he does have romantic feelings for the same sex."

"And what if he pushes me away?" Mark asked quietly.

"Then, it wasn't meant to be, and if it does happen and then he pushes you away, then it was too soon and you just need to give him some time."

Mark put his face into his hands. "Oh boy, Collins. I can't...I can't tell him, not yet. Not when Mimi's service is tomorrow and his emotions are high."

Collins rubbed his friend's back. "I know, I understand."

Mark wiped his tears and sighed. "Okay, we better get out there before he starts to wonder what's wrong."

* * *

 **A/N:** Three words for you: Writer's...Block...HELP! Yup I have no idea what to make chapter five about so e-mail me with your ideas. I hope you liked these chapters. Check out my other stuff, perhaps you'll find an interest in that too. But I need reviews to determine whether or not I continue. I hate this chapter, it's like a waste -- Give me your opinion! XoX! Bri! 


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